My Best Friend's Wedding -- It's About Timing

Several weeks ago, I had the opportunity to watch my best friend get married for time and eternity at the Salt Lake Temple.  I was going to write the story of how they met, but that's a different story for a different time. However, I wanted to write about what I learned from the experience.

1) Be yourself.  My friend was often self-conscious around women, never acting like himself.  It's a problem I, myself have.  I know that in my case, it's because I want women to see I have a serious side.  However, my friend decided when we started attending the Ward of Misfit Toys that he was giving up on finding a wife.  I saw a very different public side of him, and that is what first drew his wife to him.

2) Don't over analyze things.  There were multiple times when they were first going out that he would tell me he had done something wrong and that she probably wouldn't ever talk to him again.  And then she'd come up to talk to him at church.

3) At the Temple for a wedding/sealing, the sealer takes time to talk to all of the family and friends in the room.  I wish there was a point during regular temple sessions that someone would just share a random insight with the attendees.  It seems like this insight is always as much for me as anyone else.

4) The insight from the sealer was that when we go to the temple, we always think about the work we are doing for the dead.  However, we also need to remember to be there for ourselves.  A good reminder.

Hanging Out vs Dating

Back in 2005, Elder Dallin H Oaks spoke at a CES Fireside. Part of his talk centered on the topic of dating vs hanging out. An excerpt of this section of the address was printed in the June 2006 Ensign and can be found here.

Just after he gave this talk, I saw incidents of "hanging out" drop to near zero. However, Elder Oaks didn't say "don't hang out."

In fact, there was a column in the Deseret News this week titled "Hanging out, hooking up — why not date?" that implied that hanging out was wrong. However, I'm of the opinion that never hanging out is a bad idea.

Let's look at what Elder Oaks said:

An occasional group activity is OK, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door.

Yes, it is OK to get a group together. However, don't let it be an every weekend type of thing.

I know a group of women who do hang out every weekend. However, they do it without any men present (because they don't invite men). In fact, I have known several guys who have asked out girls from this group but have been turned down in favor of these "Girl's Nights Out." And then these women wonder why they aren't married.

So, get those (co-ed) groups together. When you get invited to a function, it's better than sitting at home doing nothing on a Friday or Saturday night. It's a great opportunity to meet other people, and who knows what it will lead to.

Outside of Church, I don't have many opportunities to meet other Single Mormons. Hanging out with friends (and their friends) is a great way to meet new people.

Oh, and I'd like to close with something else Elder Oaks had to say:

And, young women, please make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date. Part of making it easier is to avoid implying that a date is something very serious. If we are to persuade young men to ask for dates more frequently, we must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment. Finally, young women, if you turn down a date, be kind. Otherwise you may crush a nervous and shy questioner and destroy him as a potential dater, and that could hurt some other sister.

It's an invite for a date, not a proposal of marriage.

-Bob

Quoting Seinfeld in Sacrament Meeting

So, you're asked to give a Sacrament Meeting talk on Mother's Day in your Midsingles Ward, and the only topic you are given is to talk about something related to Mother's Day. So What do you speak on?

Finding the Mother of Your Future Children. Yep.

And, it was a classic. It started with a quote from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and then a few minutes later threw in a Spiderman reference. However, the part that took the cake was when he quoted the TV show Seinfeld.

I take that back. He didn't just read a quote from Seinfeld -- he recited part of a scene. What he quoted is this:



You may need to watch the whole scene to get it all, but it's pretty funny.

Anyway, I digress. I was going to make fun of this "Gospel according to Seinfeld" talk, but then I realized something.

"If every instinct you have is wrong, the opposite would have to be right."

I'm too much like "normal George." I need to be more like "opposite George."

Or, more specifically, Opposite Bob.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Welcome to the Ward of Misfit Toys

So,I had this old attempt at a dating blog sitting around with 53 posts, the last one over a year ago. So, when a good friend suggested I turn my adventures in my new ward into a blog, I knew what I had to do -- transform this one.

So, what is my new ward, and why would it's stories make a good blog?

A few months ago, I turned 32. That meant that I had blown right past being a "Young Single Adult" (Yeah,I know that I really blew past it when I turned 31. Humor me a little). That meant it was time to leave my YSA Ward. I had two choices of where to go -- a "Family" Ward or a "Midsingles (31-45)" Ward.

After much prayer, I decided to attend the Midsingles Ward. A friend had tried it last summer, and had dubbed it the "Ward of Misfit Toys." The first week I attended the ward, I looked around and thought he was right. And then someone came and invited me over to his house to play Dungeons and Dragons, and I knew I was in the wrong place.

However, on the drive home, I realized that I, too, was a misfit toy. And, let's face it, if you are single Mormon over the age of 31, you, too, are a misfit toy to some degree.

And in the following weeks of trying out the ward, I realized that one major benefit of being in a Ward of Misfit toys is that they follow what I like to call the "Mr Rogers Principle" -- they like you just the way you are.

More than that, they are free to be themselves. And that makes the ward awesome. And funny.

So, I will not post things on here to offend or to make fun of anybody. However, I will find humor in my learning moments, and hope that the things you read here can not only bring joy into your life, but can also help you grow.

-Bob

The Meaning of Roses

Well, Valentine's Day is coming up soon. And many of us will head out and buy roses (or other flowers) for our significant (or we-hope-she-could-be-significant) other.

However, many of you might be surprised to know that there are many different colors of roses out there. Proceed with caution, because while a rose may look nice, it may be sending an unintended message. Also, if you send the right message, and relay to that special lady that you know the meaning of that color rose, you will impress her twice over. So, with that, let's look at the varieties of roses and their meanings:

Red

Red roses signify love. Deep love. The "I want to move further in our relationship" type of love. Definitely do not send red roses to someone in the "friend zone" lest ye scare her off. Unless you REALLY want to make a giant leap of faith (more on that in a later post). However, if you are making that giant leap of faith, go with something a different color.

Pink

Grace, elegance, sweetness, poetic romance, gratitude, appreciation, gentleness, admiration, and refinement are all adjectives associated with pink roses. Pink roses are also a good way to say "I'm deeply in like with you." A definite go if your relationship is in the "in between" window. Also good for that "Giant leap of faith" I spoke about earlier.

Yellow

Yellow is a color of joy. Yellow roses are to be sent to a friend who needs a little cheering up. Send yellow roses to just about anyone, except maybe someone to whom red roses may be more appropriate. You don't want to derail that train.....

White

Purity, innocence, unity, virtue, honor, reverence, hope: Those are the reasons why the white rose is often called the Bridal Rose. Stay away unless you are ready to take her to the Temple.

Orange

Orange roses are tricky. One one hand, orange being a mixture of yellow and red, they could mean the desire to transform the relationship from one of friendship to one of love. On the other hand, orange roses can symbolize the heat of passion, burning desire and the flames of love. So, if you want the "transitional" meaning, be prepared for her to possibly get the second meaning.

Lavender

Lavender roses convey a meaning of enchantment or love at first sight. The color purple has also signified royalty for centuries.

Combos

So, if you want to, feel free to mix and match some colors. For instance, a mixture of red and yellow could say "I'm in love with my best friend." Red and white would make a great proposal bouquet. The possibilities are limitless.

-Bob

(source: Pro Flowers)

Words to live by

I was listening to the radio and a DJ said this in response to single people complaining about being sing "What do you got excited going on in your life that someone else might be exciting?" he suggested do something you like; Go Traveling, Find Hobby, Try running, Try playing a Guitar, do SOMETHING!

Words to live by. So if you're not happy being Single DO SOMETHING! if you don't find your "Mr./Mrs. Right" from your actives, then you'll at least be doing something you enjoy and productive.

Enjoy yourselves and have fun. -Sean

Greetings; i was wondering how to introduce my self and add to the blog then I found this and i belive it sums up EVERYTHING. hope you enjoy. -Sean

Welcome to a new member

Back when Shawn and I started this blog, it stemmed from some late night conversations between us. Well, I've recently had some similar conversations with another person named Sean, and he has agreed to join the blog. Welcome,Sean! He'll be introducing himself to you soon, and we should be posting more regularly in the near future.

Also, if you would like to be a contributer to the blog, drop me an email at mysteries@bobaagard.com

Men lose their minds speaking to pretty women

I knew it!

The research shows men who spend even a few minutes in the company of an attractive woman perform less well in tests designed to measure brain function than those who chat to someone they do not find attractive.

Researchers who carried out the study, published in the Journal of Experimental and Social Psychology, think the reason may be that men use up so much of their brain function or 'cognitive resources' trying to impress beautiful women, they have little left for other tasks.

The findings have implications for the performance of men who flirt with women in the workplace, or even exam results in mixed-sex schools.

Women, however, were not affected by chatting to a handsome man.

Read more about the study here.

Back in the game

I've been thinking of getting this blog going again for a while. Then, there was motivation to start posting again. Motivation times two.

The first motivation is the fact that I've jumped back into the dating game again. The second motivation is that, well, I'm jumping back into the dating game again.

But, more on that in another post.

However, I really want to have this blog be what I wanted it to be when I first started talking about it in late 2005 -- a blog written by several different (semi) regular writers about our dating lives, where we help each other learn the mysteries of man.

However, I can't go this alone. My cofounder (and only contributor) Shaun got married a year ago. I'll keep him on as a special adviser/"expert" if he wants to stick around. (yes, normal people would ask first, but I'm not normal people.

So, I need some writers. Some ground rules:

1. All posts and comments will be rated PG at the worst. Remember, this is a (future) family blog.

2. All posters will have a free link to any other blogs they contribute to.

3. All posters will be fully honest with the readers. All experiences and feelings will be true.

4. To respect the identity of anyone whom we might date, all names and other identification will be changed. (you can set it up so that you can delay when things will get posted. I plan delaying my date-specific posts.)

So, if you would like to be a writer around these parts, email me at mysteries@bobaagard.com

-Bob